The circle of academic parents:

Ivan

This time we have an interview with an Academic Mama Dad: Ivan Sekulić. 

As millennial fathers are becoming fully included in parenting (yay!), I believe that hearing their voice, struggles and experiences really contributes in reshaping societal perceptions of fatherhood and creates more inclusive, empathetic, and supportive environment for all parents.

Could you tell us a little about yourself?

Ok, quick facts! I’m Ivan, I’m 30 years old, I’m finishing up my PhD in conversational AI at USI Lugano, Switzerland. I recently became a father. This is how yoga, and staying active in general, blend into my life.

Are there some things that helped you or “prepared” you for fatherhood?

Well, I’d say a large part of the fatherhood, at least up to this point, is doing hard things all the time. Keeping a baby happy, clean, well-slept, etc., while maintaining the home in order and doing a PhD is hard, to say the least. However, I’m fairly confident I am able to to hard things and the PhD has taught me that. The PhD journey really built my capacity to withstand hardships. 

I’d also like to mention playing rugby, a tough sport, where once you're hit you always get up, has helped me realise we can all do very hard stuff and not break (or even if we do break, we will then heal :)

What are some of your expectations vs reality of parenting so far?

I must admit I expected much more chill nights. Although they are getting better, I was expecting to be able to work alongside the baby for a bit, and then sleep myself. Instead, it’s been mostly carrying him while he cries, burping him, or waking up every 10 minutes due to weird sounds (which I now know are normal and I’m sleeping better, but still :).

Main struggle as a first time parent?

Time. I know that, for most people, sleep comes to mind first. But I’d say it’s possible to sleep enough, it’s just that it takes you much longer to do so. E.g., for 8 hours of sleep, I probably need to allocate 12 hours in my day, to account for all the baby-related stuff in between small chucks of sleep (diaper changes, burping, putting to sleep, feeding). So, time is the most important commodity and trying to squeeze in the remaining PhD work has proved to be fairly challenging.

How do you manage to focus on work after coming back from parental leave? Do you manage your work time differently now and before becoming a parent?

I’ve always considered myself very efficient, but I’ve become even more efficient. There’s absolutely no more procrastination, or “paper pushing”, e.g., doing not so important work and deceiving myself that I’m actually doing something useful (yes, sorting emails is useful, but not when time-pressed with a paper deadline). Also, I’ll work in any time of the day. If I have the baby for the first shift during the night, we might hop in the baby carrier and write some sections of the dissertation at 2 AM :)

How do you blow off the steam?

Physical activity is my main method for that. I’m into the sport of Olympic weightlifting, so I try to hit the gym 3-4 times a week. Hiking is another great method, which also has a benefit of quiet, beautiful surroundings. Hiking is something I’m really looking forward for the upcoming spring, even though it’ll probably be only on stroller-friendly trails. And yoga, of course :)

How has your experience with yoga intersected with your day to day life?

I’d say yoga helped me in the past a lot as well. I mainly used it as a method to restore peace and remove restlessness from my PhD life. Now, I mostly use it to stay mobile and mitigate the stiffness that comes from sitting at the computer and being nap-trapped in weird positions by the baby for a couple of hours a day :)

Would you mind sharing your experience of the birth of your son?

Well, It was all my awesome wife, doing an incredible job! I’d say my birth story is positive, although I was surprised how useless I was. I’ve prepared several massages for the labor, relaxation techniques, comforting items and trinkets. However, none of it mattered as the labor progressed very fast. I just remember feeling very sorry for my wife and hoping I can share some pain, especially because I anticipated the labor to go on for 12-18 hours. Instead, it was all done in 8 hours, which was great! The best I could do during the pushing phase is bring cold towels every few minutes, offer my wife some water, and try really hard not to say anything that could upset her :) 

When our son was born, the midwife immediately placed him on my chest and he stayed there for about an hour. This was incredible! Very unreal and, honestly, weird. He was already moving, kinda crawling, towards the potential food, which was fairly surprising. I didn’t expect him to be able to move so much right after the birth! :)

And for the end: what does it mean to be a father for you?

What it means to be a father is very philosophical and I’m not sure if I have the answer yet. Let me get back to you on that in a couple of years :)